You know the saying "God only gives you as much as you can handle"? Meaning limits are tested, patients are worn thin, and sometimes confidence is lost. Maybe things in life are not as perfect as you would like them to be, but you go along with it? This was me.
I've been through a ton of emotions over the last fourteen months. Depressed, defeated, let down, torn, denial, just to name a few..hmm apparently the letter "d" has been a close friend to me over the last year. Looking back now I really start to question myself. What does this say about me? In one direction, you can say I've been a dedicated mother that tried hard to keep her family together, even if that meant sacrificing her own happiness to do so. In the other direction, a mother that gave in after only one year of trying and was a selfish person to rip her family apart, but is truly happier now after done so.
I'm not one to give up..I think this goes along with OCD..my opinion has to be heard, I always come out on top, I strive to get what I want and do not let anything get in my way, I'm stubborn, independent, I have a temper, can be loud, and when I believe in something And believe I am right (which usually I am haha) I am a bitch. Truth is, after rereading my own blog, I have come to the conclusion that I will constantly learn more and more things about myself for the rest of my life. And during this last year, God has really tested me.
One year later, I'm so close I can taste it. I am a happier person, I feel more driven than ever, my business is really starting to take off..I finally got myself back. Ugh, I've missed me! I forgot what it felt like to totally be comfortable with me, to act goofy and not care who is listening or watching, to have fun and not worry about saying the wrong thing or making someone mad. Everyone can love me for who I am, not for someone that they want me to be.
At first, I was embarrassed about my decision. I always told myself "only once will I do this". I've come to terms with this now. I am going to make mistakes, that's all part of life, just as long as you learn from them. (And I know one in particular that has not). I did not sign over my life, I wanted to "share" my life, not have it controlled. Sometimes the things you share in life is all that keeps you attached to someone, when really it is time to let go and confront the truth..even when it does hurt..
I may have hurt a lot of people recently, but I do not regret the choices I have made. I am finally taking the time to enjoy life and really cherish the moments I get with Kyleah.
..So here's to a new chapter..
