Today

Today, one of my biggest fears came true. Today, I feel like a part of me was taken away. Today, my heart was broken like its never been broke before. Today, I feel like I failed at the job that I must never fail at. Today, I witnessed my 4 year old daughters heart break. Today, I had to learn that everything happens for a reason, even if it doesn't make since at all. Today, I learned I loved something I only had for twelve weeks, more than I love myself. Today, Kyleah named our baby Flower. Today, I had to explain to my daughter that God is holding a new baby.
Today, every year in remembrance we will now plant a flower. Today, is etched into our lives forever. Today, we have grown so much closer as a family. Today, I grieve.

365 Days

It's been one year today. That feelings were finally expressed after holding back for five years, that my best friend became so much more than just a friend and that I finally was able to be happy. It's been exactly one year that I started dating my best friend.
This last year has been full of many new experiences, some good and some not so pleasant. I did a lot of growing, as in learning more about myself and how to be a bigger, better person, whether I liked it or not. I've really struggled with a lot and I thank my best friend, my partner, for being there and being so understanding. I don't know where or who I would be today without him.
Thank you for loving me as much as you do. And I thank you for loving my daughter as if she were your own. I often ask how I am so lucky to have you and what I ever did to deserve you. You are such an amazing person and deserve nothing but the best. I will be that for you. I will be the one to make you smile, I'll be the one to do whatever it takes to make you laugh, even on your worst day. Because that's what you do for me. You make me the happiest woman alive. I am truly blessed. You are my other half. With you and Kyleah both by my side, my life feels complete. Thank you for letting me see that this happiness does exist and IS possible.
I love you, Jimmy. Happy one year anniversary, babu!

Ready for Life

It's almost here, the day I can officially start my new life. In a way I've created a new life for Kyleah and myself, I've been able to start fresh again. Kyleah is in daycare and smarter than ever, I've got a new job that I love, I'm in a relationship that couldn't be more perfect, and life is just great. You, yourself create the path for your own life. You decide how happy you are. And all those people that try to bring you down, you shut them out.
I've learned a lot with this relationship. So many things are different than in any other relationship I've had..even including the first time we were together. I know I've done a lot of growing up and with everything I've been through and been put through, I've had to. There's complete trust now, not a doubt in my mind. There's compromise, two separate opinions and if they differ, it still works. I can completely be myself, no holding back, and he still loves me for that. I couldn't ask for a better person to be by my side than my best friend.
I'd been mad at myself recently and I seem to get the same reaction each time I talk about it. I can honestly say out of all the feelings I've had recently, to be mad at yourself is by far the worst. It sounds silly, but who else can you blame for wasting five years of your life with a person that was clearly not fit for you? Don't get me wrong, I love him to death, just in a different kind of way. I'll always be there for him and I expect the same from him, thus far he has been there more than I'd expected.
I recently had a talk with my grandma and I am a true believer that God sends people into your life when you need them the most. I'd been so down for about five days I didn't know what to do with myself. I felt like I couldn't fully talk to anyone, because no one could understand my feelings and emotions right at that moment. The next day, I dragged myself from bed and went to work expecting it to be a dreadful 9 hours, why did I get out of bed, I should've just stayed there all day. I got to work feeling like I could bawl at any given time. Just so happens a coworker sat down and started talking with me, she had no idea how I'd been feeling. We talked for a good hour and she'd experienced some of the things that had been bothering me, not knowing at all that i had been feeling any of it. At that point I'd finally opened up and talked about everything and right after, I felt like me again. The last five days was in the past and I'd been pulled from my depression. I am amazed at how God works and I know for sure he sent her to me that morning to help me.
Throughout this whole process there has only been a few people who have supported me one hundred percent. They may not have agreed with every move I have made, but they let me grieve in the way I needed to and gave me supportive advice along the way. These people I am so thankful for, and that is the true definition of a friend. They will never know just how appreciated they are and how the simplest words went such a long way at helping me through this rough time. I've finally got what I deserve in life and I am ready to fully enjoy it!

New Chapter

You know the saying "God only gives you as much as you can handle"? Meaning limits are tested, patients are worn thin, and sometimes confidence is lost. Maybe things in life are not as perfect as you would like them to be, but you go along with it? This was me. 

I've been through a ton of emotions over the last fourteen months. Depressed, defeated, let down, torn, denial, just to name a few..hmm apparently the letter "d" has been a close friend to me over the last year. Looking back now I really start to question myself. What does this say about me? In one direction, you can say I've been a dedicated mother that tried hard to keep her family together, even if that meant sacrificing her own happiness to do so. In the other direction, a mother that gave in after only one year of trying and was a selfish person to rip her family apart, but is truly happier now after done so. 

I'm not one to give up..I think this goes along with OCD..my opinion has to be heard, I always come out on top, I strive to get what I want and do not let anything get in my way, I'm stubborn, independent, I have a temper, can be loud, and when I believe in something And believe I am right (which usually I am haha) I am a bitch. Truth is, after rereading my own blog, I have come to the conclusion that I will constantly learn more and more things about myself for the rest of my life. And during this last year, God has really tested me. 

One year later, I'm so close I can taste it. I am a happier person, I feel more driven than ever, my business is really starting to take off..I finally got myself back. Ugh, I've missed me! I forgot what it felt like to totally be comfortable with me, to act goofy and not care who is listening or watching, to have fun and not worry about saying the wrong thing or making someone mad. Everyone can love me for who I am, not for someone that they want me to be.

At first, I was embarrassed about my decision. I always told myself "only once will I do this". I've come to terms with this now. I am going to make mistakes, that's all part of life, just as long as you learn from them. (And I know one in particular that has not). I did not sign over my life, I wanted to "share" my life, not have it controlled. Sometimes the things you share in life is all that keeps you attached to someone, when really it is time to let go and confront the truth..even when it does hurt..

I may have hurt a lot of people recently, but I do not regret the choices I have made. I am finally taking the time to enjoy life and really cherish the moments I get with Kyleah.

..So here's to a new chapter..

Myrtle Beach '10

As a kid, usually when we took a trip it was a road trip to wherever. I remember those times more for the drive, than the vacation itself. Corey, Kyleah and I hadn't experienced a family vacation yet, so when planning our trip we thought being able to see the scenery and having the experience to share the family time in the car was too good to pass up.

We set out for the 15 hour drive late at night and drove straight through to SC. We took a long nap when we first arrived and got checked into our hotel room. One of the first things we both wanted to do was put our feet in the sand. Kyleah loves the water and she's bound to with Corey and I as her parents! When we stepped foot onto the beach for the first time, Kyleah was so excited and ready to swim. I know she didn't see the difference between the ocean and the beach at Lake Shelbyville, and I'm pretty sure now that she has discovered seashells, she will look for them anywhere sand is. We were walking along the beach at night, fully dressed, and Kyleah just took off into the water, diving right in. It was so adorable and funny that the rest of the evening Kyleah and I were not only soaked from head to toe, but covered in sticky salt water!

We went to so many different places and got to experience so many new things together as a family. We also learned a lot too! Yes, Kentucky is just as hick as we always heard "Florence Y'all", Corey makes his own paths when driving (even if it is right over a curb), if tarps happen to fly off the back of a trailer on the highway most likely there will be more than just one (3), and we found out that I am able to smell skunk! Yes people drinking water is a necessity when in 100 degree weather, you can eat a crab by bashing it open any way, and every shop on the beach sells the exact same thing as the others.

The most important things I learned while on our vacation are the moments I will remember for the rest of my life. During a total of 30+ hours of a car ride, sitting in silence just for a little bit is perfectly fine. Enjoy watching your two year old sleep peacefully. Shut your eyes and listen to your husband sing along to the radio (when he thinks you're sleeping). Take a few moments and think of your life and cherish all of the moments God has given you. And most of all, put all of the every day stresses aside, laugh, act goofy, and enjoy the time you're getting to spend with your husband and daughter, because it doesn't happen this way very often. I love you Corey and Kyleah!

Goodbye Winter

I never thought I'd be so excited for it to be 50 degrees out. I love the warm weather and it seems every year when winter rolls around, it lasts longer and longer and it gets colder and colder. Ever since I was little I always pictured myself being a Florida girl, and I am still hoping for that one day.

We had a pretty good winter this round and Kyleah and I did what we like to call hibernation. I think we only made it outside to play in the snow once, but that was good enough for me! Brrr!

I have officially started my Spring countdown! Only 17 days left and I am hoping for plenty of thunderstorm springy days and tons of 90 degree summer days. No other hopes, but to have tons of fun with Kyleah and Corey the next couple of seasons. I got out Corey's yearly planner from work and started to pencil in all of our plans this summer and come to find out we will be pretty busy. Poor Corey probably won't get a day of rest! hehe

Starting the beginning of next month, Kyleah will start her swimming lessons and we are very excited. I have my every mothers worries of Kyleah in the water, with her audacious self! Here recently, Kyleah and I filled the bathtub up full of water and were having tons of fun, and she learned she could put her face under! I think I took it very well and was teaching her to blow bubbles under water...you know to get rid of my fear of her breathing it in...This kind of gives me a peace of mind about the whole Kyleah and water concept. Wooh.

We have just about got down potty training and will be glad to not buy diapers anymore...well at least for the next couple years. I've been letting Kyleah run around in her favorite outfit the past two days (her birthday suit) and luckily we haven't had any visitors besides my mom! lol I think she's really enjoying the freedom without a diaper. Kyleah had an accident in my moms car today and was pretty upset about it. Kyleah told me twice she had to potty, but there wasn't much to do being on the road. lol Needless to say, all three of us were pretty disturbed about the choice. I don't know what was worse, to be the one sitting in it or the one smelling it..or just to be both I guess!

Kyleah really seems to be growing up fast here recently and her personality is indeed starting to pop. With tons of "I bub you's" and calling for "mommy!", I don't know what to expect next. She helps with laundry, the dishes, loves to cook, and picks up her toys when told to! My little Monkeydoodle is getting so big! I can't wait to see what these next few months brings us!

Who Am I? What Am I?

Lately, there have been some things going on in our house that make me say "I wonder what she/he is really thinking".

Sometimes I wonder if Theo (our puppy) really knows he is actually a dog. I've caught him in the act of some weird things he does.

He climbs up onto the back of the couch and sleeps, he will climb up onto your shoulder and sleep, he sleeps on his back with his legs up in the air, and he climbs onto tables like he belongs there. Lol Another thing is he sleeps with Corey and I in our bed and usually when I wake up in the morning, I am sharing my pillow with Theo. I think my puppy is confused! He must think he is a human and maybe sometimes a cat.

Theo isn't the only one I come to believe may be a little confused. I understand when a kid finds herself in the mirror, she will most likely think it is another little girl on the other side. I don't think Kyleah knows what she looks like yet. The other morning, Kyleah came running into my bedroom and noticed a little girl in the mirror. (Our mirror is on the back or our bedroom door.) Kyleah kept opening it and looking behind the door and couldn't figure out where this girl went. It was adorable! Kyleah was talking to her and giving her high-five's, she thought she found a new friend. I told her to give the little girl kisses..and she did. All of the older pictures we have around the house of her, Kyleah will point and say "Baby". We try to explain to her that yes it is a baby, but it is Kyleah! It's weird to see her learn things, that I don't ever remember not knowing.

When we first got Theo, I wondered if we would have problems with Kyleah..well acting like a dog. I figured it would go both ways with the toys, Kyleah taking his and Theo taking hers. I guess you can say they share pretty well, except Kyleah doesn't chew the heads off of the duckies like Theo tends to do. And yes they do share Kyleah's food, just like on TV..anything Kyleah doesn't want, Theo gets. We've been trying to crack down on this, we noticed Theo was getting a little plumper and it obviously isn't good for his diet.

This past Christmas "Santa" brought Theo a new puppy bed. We placed it behind the recliner and for the first few weeks and still at random times today, that is where you can find Kyleah. I still don't know what she does back there, how fun could it be to sit in a doggy bed and stare at the back of a recliner?..But she loves it! Here recently Corey put Theo's bed back in the laundry room and cut up an old blanket for him to sleep with. I think we've found out Kyleah doesn't like to sit in it back there as much.

Usually every morning Kyleah comes running down the hallway ready for the day and ready for breakfast. This morning, when I was still in bed, I heard Kyleah run down the hallway and then it was really quiet. I thought she must have went back to bed, so I got myself woke up and checked the living room to make sure she wasn't in there. Nope, no Kyleah. I quietly peeked my head into her room and surprisingly...No Kyleah! I think I had a short panic, searching the house! When I turned the corner to the laundry room, there was Kyleah, all curled up in Theo's bed under his blankie! I think it was one of the cutest things she has ever done. When I hurried to grab the camera, she was starting to get up, but I was able to catch part of the moment. How adorable!

So Kyleah thinks she is a dog and Theo thinks he is a human!